100 Words Per Mile: Brothers, Transfers, Mania

As my wife and I approached our second transfer, I got more into baseball cards.

January 28, 2021
5.00 miles
35:54

This past Friday, my brothers and I took a day trip together to watch a basketball game (which, in the midst of a pandemic was an interesting experience). Well, two of my brothers. The youngest hasn’t been communicating with us much, other than to ask for something, or to promote the minute-long rap songs he’s uploaded to SoundCloud. He still doesn’t have a job, probably can’t pass a drug test, and has yet to do much for show a judge he is working to improve himself.

I’m trying to be compassionate about it, but it’s hard when he has plenty of support around him and won’t meet us halfway.

I mentioned earlier that he’d called me and asked me to help him with his GED. I offered to not only pay for it, but to help him study. We made an agreement that if he came over, he’d have dinner, a place to sleep, and someone walking him through the process. We set a date and he never showed. No text or call or anything. He’s yet to follow up or apologize for it either.

And, as per usual, the justice system seems to be a slog like no other. I’m sure this purgatory is hell for him. I’m sure he’s feeling anxious. But he has to make the decision to be better all on his own.

What saddens me is this was the kind of trip all four of us should have done together. My two brothers and I hit the road around noon, spent two hours in the car goofing off and listening to old music, and when we arrived at our destination, got to drinking and having a good time. It was already a first for the three of us. It could have been a first for my youngest brother as well.

This is why I am so conflicted about having more than one child. Trying to have just one has been so draining, I can’t imagine doing all of this for a second. Also, as one of several children, it’s impossible not to shoulder some of the emotional weight of their lives. Perhaps it’s because I’m the oldest. Or maybe it’s because I was clearly second dad most of my life. I don’t know, but this hurt I’m feeling for my little brother, it’s something I’d like to spare my own child from feeling.